One of the first times ***** made my ideas go was when I was coming up on a birthday. I wanted to have a party, I wanted it to be kinda fancy, but I was shy about spending the money. ***** found the bar, went there with me to check it out, and then offered to buy the first round to make the whole thing easier. Not rocket carpentry, but it was nice.
Since then he’s supported parties and dinners and last minute business trips. He’s done my laundry between business trips when I had less than 48 hour turn around at home, and he’s made sure our house doesn’t run out of milk. Most recently he’s spent the last 8 and a half hours solving a technical problem I thought would take 2 hours…because I wanted it to look nice and be secure and I only knew how to do the look nice part.
So more than the one who makes your heart skip a beat (that sounds unsafe) marry the one who hears your ideas and goes “oh yeah cool” and then helps you make it happen.
Also, this wasn’t an accident. I heard Sheryl Sandberg speak before the whole Lean In thing, and the one thing that stuck with me was her talking about how the partner you choose has the power to make space for, and support, your work; or not. She talks about this in Lean In as well, and I have to agree.
Also also, I went back and forth on what I wanted to say about this here, if anything. I got married earlier in the year. Out of respect for the person now sharing my mailbox and tax forms in addition to my bed I’ll leave the details out, except to say:
- Weddings are full of gendered bullshit. They are stressful and potentially unpleasant, but then they do end and the people do go away as magically as they appeared. If you are going through a wedding that’s stressful or unpleasant, talk to me, I may have maybe learned something.
- Married life is basically like pre-married life if you look back far enough to the pre-wedding-planning-hell. I actually kept forgetting we were married the first few months.
- The one way married life is different is damn do we privilege this relationship and how. It caught me by surprise when I needed to get a refund for something onto “my husband’s” credit card and I was just allowed to do that.